Frankly, I was pretty worried about telling my bosses/committee that I was expecting. It is hard to know what the responses will be; will people assume that I will drop out? Will people write me off as a lost cause? Or will they be accommodating?
Over the years, I have collected quite a committee - some with children, others without, some that feel like they should have their fingers in my work, others totally uninvolved, yet others with firm interest in my work but an expectation that I will get the perfect dissertation without their involvement (but they do have high expectations!).
So it is not surprising that I got a mixture of responses:
- How exciting! Parenthood is unpredictable so you will need a lot of flexibility; be sure to discuss what your needs are as we go.
- Congratulations! Do you think you will still finish your degree?
- Congrats! It sounds like life is about to get much harder for you; do you think you will be able to handle it?
- How much time are you planning to take off?
- The first one is made of porcelain, but you are scrappy so you will figure it out.
- (addressing my husband while pointing at my belly) What did you do to her?
The awkward conversations mostly happened with those without children; I guess they are mainly going on the experiences of others, and perhaps in particular the 4 female grad students that have had babies in our lab over the past decade (2 dropped out, 1 ended up not getting the job offer specifically because she asked for a delayed start, and 1 is not planning to go on the job market after graduation).
I was glad to get the encouraging responses from those on my committee that have children. I am particularly thankful for their understanding that a little flexibility can go a long way in helping me not burn out.
Interestingly, Hubby has only gotten the "congratulations" responses; no one bothered to ask him how he was going to adjust to parenthood, and no one got worried about him graduating and/or getting a job.
So there. Did anyone have similar experiences?
The perverse incentives of academia
6 years ago
5 comments:
I was pregnant as a postdoc, not a grad student, so my experience was a little different, but yeah, there were the range of responses from "are you going to come back to work?" (uh, yeah, I'm the primary breadwinner of my family!) to "congratulations!"
But without exception, people took a big interest in who was caring for my child when I returned to work. I can almost guarantee that no one will ask your husband that question after your baby is born, but you'll get it all the time.
Yep sounds familiar. I had the mix of people who were super supportative (you can totally still do you degree) to "you're still going to do your PhD". Flexibility and understanding can go a long way towards helping you not burn out.
So if I get this straight, you will be the 1 out of 5 exception of graduating and getting a job afterwards? That's why people still get a bunch of negative/unsupportive comments at times like these, because the numbers sometimes bare them out.
no comments about this yet, but i'm definitely following the story here. my husband graduates in december and depending on the job situation afterward (and the holy grail: health insurance!), i'll be thinking about getting pregnant. i'm in my 3rd year right now and traditionally it takes about 5-6 years to graduate from my program.
good luck and i'm happy your committee was (mostly) understanding :)
Rebecca - considering all the questions I get now (while Hubby doesn't), I suspect this is how it is going to be. And I doubt I will manage to explain to everyone that this kid will actually have 2 parents!
SM - yes, I am definitely glad at least some of the powers that be understand that letting me do some work from home, etc., will let me do more work in the long run and will help me not resent my work for taking me away from my kid. Fingers crossed!
FT - I think the 2 that are graduating will get jobs, but perhaps not right away. It is hard to say what the real statistics is, I don't think my sample is large enough to draw conclusions. But it certainly seems like the odds are not good.
Quiet - I hear you on health insurance; it has been a major concern for us for years (but we do have it right now). Thanks, and I look forward to reading your story when you guys are ready!
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