Well, that's the pessimist in me talking. The realist would probably claim two steps forward, one step back. But the reality of things is that I have been hitting some roadblocks in work lately, and not making as much progress as I would have hoped.
And part of me feels guilty (here's that guilt again!) for being so distracted. Between moving, trying to prepare for the little one's arrival, and just plain being more tired because of pregnancy, I have pretty much stopped working in the evenings. Uhm, most normal people don't work in the evenings, but old habits (and feelings of guilt) are hard to break.
Or maybe it is just that I had hoped I would accomplish more before my maternity leave, and looking at my plan again it is clear that it was overly optimistic and there is no way all these things will get done so quickly. I keep thinking that if I get them off my list, I will feel less guilty when I am out, but I think no matter how much I finish, I will always think that I could have done more. Stupid habit of feeling guilty. I really need to retrain myself to not think in those terms.
The perverse incentives of academia
6 years ago
4 comments:
My counselor once told me that guilt is a dysfunctional way of trying to gain control of an uncontrollable situation. Pregnancy makes you tired, and there's nothing that can be done about that. Just don't squander the quality time that you do have, and don't sweat the rest of it.
Rebecca - it is funny how those around me are actually easier on me than I am on myself. I guess I am not used to cutting myself any slack, but I will have to learn that it is not possible to do everything. Your counselor sounds smart; did (s)he have suggestions on how to avoid feeling guilty?
The trick, I think, is to be okay with doing *your* best rather than *the* best. For example, my goal is to be the best second-rate mathematician in the world, which is partially a joke but also an admission that I am who I am and that it's okay.
Sometimes I run into trouble in this field when I'm in the presence of brash, overconfident men (because yeah, it's always men who think they are oh-so-smart). I try not to work with people like that -- it's bad for my mental health. But they get me feeling down on myself and my abilities and my work ethic... until I recall that I'm doing just fine for myself as I am, thank you very much!
Rebecca - I will try to keep your advice in mind as I am sure I will only hit more of my own limitations as I get less sleep, etc. Although I suspect this will be a life-long struggle, I hope I learn not to put myself down where a little optimism could help me be more productive instead.
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