My pregnancy/baby books and well-meaning acquaintances alike all give me the same advice: borrow maternity clothes from friends/relatives, accept hand-me-down baby stuff, register for baby items so that people can get them for you at your baby shower, ask people for help when the baby is born.
The "it takes a village" type of advice.
The problem is that I am new in this area. I only know a handful of people closely enough to possibly even ask for such things, and most (um, all?) of them are male and/or non-parents*. So although my coworkers are all nice people, there won't be a baby shower, nor will I be able to ask someone to bring over dinner once the little one gets here.
I guess when one moves around so frequently, one learns to rely exclusively on their nuclear family, as it is difficult to build up a village in a very short time and then leave it behind in a few years.
Until now, we have handled things just fine without a village. But with a little one on the way, I frequently wish we had a better support system to calm some of my worries.
Will we be able to handle parenthood? How will I handle the stress and sleeplessness? How stretched are our finances going to be? Will I be able to comfort my child?** Will baby be in good health? Will I be a good mother, or will I always worry that I am not good enough?*** Will I be patient despite constant tiredness? How will our marriage be effected? Will the little one feel secure and thrive in our care? Will I be able to go back to work, or will one look at a teary baby face make me change all my plans and priorities?
I know these fears are perfectly normal, but I don't know how to quiet them down. I think having a village to fall back on it times of uncertainty would have made it easier, but, for once in my life, I worry that we are mostly on our own.
*The very few that are parents (dads, mostly) have been absolutely wonderful - telling me their stories and even passing on some of their baby stuff. I also found a mom's group at work, but I am yet to get to know these moms a little better.
**A friend who lives too far away told me I can call her any time of day or night. That alone is comforting!
***I hope the blogosphere can help some with this one!
The perverse incentives of academia
6 years ago
15 comments:
Ooh, ooh, call me anytime too! I'm officially a baby expert (just ask my sister and her partner!). You have my number :)
Yes, you will always feel inadequate. But this is another arena in which I have set my goal to be the best second-rate * in the world. And I think I am the best second-rate mother in the world!
A lot of people also strive to be a "good-enough" parent. You'll never be the best mom ever, but as long as you provide your child with love, food, clothing, and shelter, you'll be a good enough mom. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Some parents fear that their child will grow up and spend a lot of time in a counselor's office undoing whatever horrible things the child's parents did to him/her. While I certainly do not want my child to have any problems, it is inevitable that I will screw him up in my own special way. And really, I would welcome the news that he's paying for his psychologist's kid to go to college -- I raised him well enough that when he has a problem, he seeks a solution to it.
I wish there was a way to throw you a virtual baby shower! Your blog friends would help populate your village.
This is one of the things I worry most about with the academic lifestyle. I'm not happy about raising kids far from my family.
Hopefully you'll end up with more help than you expect.
I know what you mean, but can't offer any real help! I too feel the lack of a village that has come from moving a thousand miles away from our families...But if you've gotten this far without your village, I'm confident you'll be able to survive this next phase too :)
I like EGFs idea of a virtual shower! We won't be able to bring a casserole of food, but something for the little one (bought or handmade, in my case, whatever you prefer/need) - let us know how!
I was going to recommend the join a mom's group, but you said it, as I just read this in a list server I'm on for women in my type of science. There has been a bunch of e-mails going around recently about life-family balance. But I'm the same way with strangers, it takes me a while to warm up.
As for used items check out freestyle and craigslist. As for no baby shower. That is just so sad! Send out a registry notice with the birth announcement :)
It's also too bad they don't have something like meals on wheels for new parents.
Don't worry about being worried. That's normal. Everything will work itself out. I'm sure it will be hard but I'm also sure you'll do great.
Although I'm not a parent, I'm always here (via email, etc.) to talk-- or listen. What Rebecca says sounds right to me. I think you'll be a great mother. Just the fact that you're thinking about this shows that.
I rely so heavily on my village. Its the only way I survive this commuter marriage with a small child. There are mommy groups: the one here is called birth circle. Expectant mothers get together as support and offer advice. This one is geared toward natural birth and even home birth (yeah, right... knock yourself out!), but I found instant connection with a bunch of strangers that way. Hope you can find something like that. Its exactly the target village for you right now.
OK, I've been contemplating this situation a little bit and I think we kind of could actually have a virtual baby shower for you. I mean really, what comprises a baby shower?
1. Stories and advice. Well, we could have a blog carnival as a baby shower! People could post their best advice or funniest baby stories, similar to what they would share at a RL shower.
2. Games. Games are lame and we don't need them, but we could do some kind of trivia game on someone's blog as part of the carnival.
3. Gifts. If you are willing to give some regular commentors an address, we could send you gifts! I, for one, would be delighted to send a baby present.
4. Food. Those baby-shaped cakes people often have at baby showers are fucking creepy, so we dont' need that anyway. But we could all agree to eat a cupcake in your honor. :)
Just sayin'. I'd be more than happy to put something together if you want, but I won't be pushy.
It wasn't till recently that the idea of settling down somewhere popped into my head as a real possibility. Immediate following that was the realization of how far we've lived from family and for how long.
Hopefully you will find a good support system as you build it around your daughter (yay, btw! so exciting to find out!).
A virtual baby shower would be great fun!! Plus excuses to eat cupcakes?!? Count me in!
I love the idea of a virtual baby shower! If you would like, I'd be more than happy to join in.
And as for the support network in real life... You have to find and your village, Sciencegirl. It can be done. When my husband and I moved to our current city, I didn't know anyone at all. The first thing I signed up for was the local chapter of a national mothers' group called Mothers and More. They are wonderful. I'm not really a joiner, and I'm a little shy with strangers, but I knew if I was going to survive stay-at-home momhood I would need some support (and my toddler needed friends). The great thing about Mothers and More is that it's a group for *all* moms--not just stay-at-home moms, but full-time working moms, part-time working moms, adopted moms, anyone who is a mother. They support all the varied choices mothers make in their lives, and don't push any kind of agenda other than supporting women through motherhood and reminding us that mothers are also "more" than just mothers!
There are Mothers and More chapters throughout the U.S. And of course there are other mother/parenting groups, too. Most mothers I know who don't have family nearby belong to some such group for support. Many hospitals offer breast-feeding and post-partum support groups where you can find others going through the same things that you are. Churches often offer mother support groups (if you are religious). Do an Internet search in your local city and I'm sure you'll find something. You may feel shy at first, but it is so totally worth it. And if you don't click with one group, try another.
And yeah, my mother group did bring those casseroles for dinner when I had my second baby... even though I'd just joined and didn't know anyone! (and of course I've paid it forward and brought dinner to other new moms in my turn. That's what these type of groups are all about)
10 comments already! You are all so awesome!
Rebecca - thank you for the offer! At this point, I have no idea how often I will find myself distraught and not sure what to do, so it is very reassuring to have a baby expert a phone call away if I need one!
And I am sure I will always feel like I can do better as a mom, and with wanting all the best for my baby, I know I will worry about not being good enough. Yet the rational side of me understands what you are saying, so it remains to be seen which side wins!
EGF - it warms my heart that you are spending the time to find such a great way to involve the bloggy village for me! While I don't want to impose, a carnival would be wonderful and no doubt make me feel very special, and I could always go back and re-read it in times when I find myself struggling as a new mom. And who could skip an excuse for a cupcake ;) But please don't take on more work then you should, I really didn't mean to be asking for favors!
Banshee - I have moved great distances a number of times and didn't worry much about the lack of a village; I think I am more worried now because of this new little person that will fully depend on me. I hope I will build up at least a little bit of a village!
Amelie - it is so sweet that people want to do this for me!
Jennie - the group I found so far is for my place of employment, and the women (scientists and not) meet once a week for lunch in one of the conference rooms (without children); I am sure they will be great long-term and also easy to make time for when I am back at work. I am also thinking of looking for a second group outside of work that I can go to while I am out on maternity leave, one I could also bring the baby to with me.
I have been scouring the CraigsList for months, and we have, in fact, bought most of the baby stuff from there. There are a few things I am not ok with getting used (e.g., a car seat for safety considerations, a crib since they just all got recalled), and I am kind of sad at the prospect of dressing my baby in used clothes, but I keep reminding myself that it is not important in the long run.
Amanda - thank you. It is great to have a listener to remind me that I am probably not doing as poorly as I think I am!
PUI Prof - I am definitely on a lookout for a mommy group! And if you have built enough of a village to help you with your much more complicated life, I hope I can too!
Albatross - thanks, I am excited about my little girl too :) And it is nice of you to join in the virtual baby shower :)
The Bean-mom - the more, the merrier! I hope it won't be too much work for EGF!
The Mothers and More has a chapter about a 90 min drive from me, and the hospital I am having the baby in is an hour away, so I think I will need to find something closer to make it more manageable. But you have given me ideas of where to look for a mom's group, and I will definitely be looking for one - thanks!
Ooh...I second the virtual baby shower idea! Too bad Gmail chat doesn't allow multiple participants in the same chat....
I'm with EGF. I thought the very same thing when I read your post. Why exactly can't you have an online babyshower? You can even have an online registry, I think you can set up a registry without divulging your mailing address. And there's plenty of advice to go around for sure. So, yes! Let's have a virtual shower!
me, too. I will be part of a virtual shower (real gifts, virtual friends)
MH, Makita, and PUI Prof - thanks! It warms my heart to see so many of my bloggy friends wanting to do this for me! Now I just hope we don't overwhelm EGF ;)
Post a Comment