Rather than answer that question here, I will give you some of the responses I get when I answer that question in person, and let you figure it out (I will admit that I am cherry-picking here and only listing the responses that got me riled up).
- "Oh... What did you want?"
- "Congrats! How does your husband feel about that?"
- "Don't worry, that is actually good, because [gender]s stick closer to their parents when they grow up."
- "This is only your first, right? You can always hope for a [opposite gender] on your next try!"
- "That's ok, [gender]s are easier anyways!"
- "Oh... I guess I will have to come up with a better toy idea than the chemistry set I had my eye on."
Anyone still think gender equality is a possibility in this lifetime?
And so of course I worry about how our little one will handle this world. I may have learned to deal with gender discrimination by choosing carefully who I surround myself with, growing a tougher skin, and fighting tooth and nail where necessary. But to imagine my baby going through the same kinds of shit I have seen along the way is downright painful. I suspect Hubby and I will be turning into more active feminists just trying to make the world a little better for our daughter. I just wish we could blanket her from these jackasses altogether :(
For now, I know 2 things:
- We are madly in love with our little one even though we haven't met her yet. In fact, we have been madly in love with her for about 7 months now!
- We will do anything to help her grow happily in this world. Any recommendations on raising a girl that is happy and self-confident yet not naive or vulnerable would be very much appreciated.
11 comments:
Wow! I can't believe that crap. Is that coming from a cross-section of people, or mainly, like, older family members?
You're right, what a rude reminder that gender discrimination is alive and well. Great post, though.
Do you read Academic Ecology? Kate, the author, has a one-year-old daughter. She is also a feminist with some fairly progressive parenting ideas that she sometimes shares on her blog. You might like it.
Wow is right - that is so sad! I can't believe people have said those things to you.
Congratulations on your little girl!
Wow, the chemistry set comment blew me away. The others I could *kinda* brush off as the commenter just not really knowing what to say. But the overwhelming theme is, we are so sorry you are having a girl!
This is one reason I don't want to know the sex of my child. I don't want others gender typing the baby before it's born! And I don't want my family buying me a bunch of pink or blue items.
How frustrating!
(Who buys a chemistry set for a newborn anyway??!! Or is this person planning toys years in advance without any idea of what your child might actually be into when she's that age?! Some kids will just never have any interest in certain kinds of toys, regardless of gender. I never saw the point of dolls, for example - it was all about the Lego!)
In a related story, a friend of mine just had her third son. She hadn't planned to go past two kids, but hey, accidents happen... she got seriously annoyed by all the people who assumed (out loud, to her face) that she was only having a third child because she really wanted a little girl to dress up in pink. "What are you going to do if it's another boy?" they asked. She admitted to me that she'd actually prefer another boy, just because she already has all the clothes! (They recently moved house and had all the baby things packed up and ready to donate on the day she found out she was pregnant again).
Anyway. You and your husband will be the most important people in your daughter's life, and you can go a long way to mitigate the outdated attitudes of all these people. Buy her all the chemistry sets she can handle, if you think she'll like them! And tons of Lego!
I have no really specific advice, not having kids of my own, but I would imagine that having lots of strong, positive female role models around her will also help. I'm sure you have female friends and family who can fill this role. A close friend with a young daughter has told me that she's really glad I'm involved in her daughter's life (I see them as a family at least twice a week) because she thinks it'll be really good for her to know a female scientist as she grows up. (I've also been signed up for help with homework. I said I'm happy to help as long as I get invited on trips to the aquarium and science world!)
I knew after the first comment that it was girl. I'm so happy for you. Too be honest, I don't think its easy to raise a girl or a boy. They both have their challenges, the key is to love them, support them and allow them to explore and believe in themselves.
Girls are teh awsome!
First off: Congrats on having a Little Science Girl!
(I was so excited to find out if it was a boy or girl that I had to skim past the obnoxious crap. Anyhow, I can't wait for you to meet her either!)
Ok, on to the obnoxious crap. Those are horrible things that people are saying! On the bright side, I think that parents really are the people that matter most in a child's life. I know that I got plenty of people telling me that I couldn't do this or that because I was a girl. However, my parents always reinforced that I could do anything and I always believed them over everyone else.
What I don't get is that if people can't figure out what to say, why not just say "Congratulations! You must be very excited to meet her!"? That seems fairly appropriate to me.
EGF - yep, mostly older family members, but not all. I am not amused. Thanks for sharing the blog, I will check it out.
Banshee - thank you! I find it hard to believe that people would assume everyone has to want a boy, but here it is!
Jennie - in a way, I am almost glad we are letting people get it out of their system now, so that by the time the little one arrives, these comments should hopefully phase out. I can't imagine getting a comment like that and then willingly passing on the baby to a relative that made it!
Cath - my dolls set untouched as well, so my little girl will definitely have tons of lego and trucks and tinker toys and microscopes! I think you are right about positive role models; we are working on those, but in the meanwhile, got to keep away the crazy relatives that think women are taking away men's jobs (yes, I do have those. Some of them are younger than me :(
SM - I don't think it is easy to raise either gender, but I worry that I may impose some of my own bitterness over the gender issues onto my little girl. I don't want her to grow up bitter, but I don't want her to be naive either, and somehow I need to figure out how to do that...
HGG - yes we are! :)
Amanda - you would think people would be better about this, no? I mean the odds of that answer are 50-50! I do hope that as parents we can override the "you can't do that" as both Hubby and I would love to enable her to enjoy the intellectual activities we ourselves enjoy, and to not let others put pretentious limits on what she can do. We are both looking forward to watching her learn and grow into a clever little girl :)
I just had to say that chemistry set comment is AWFUL. I remember when I got a microscope as a really young child and I loved it so much. My advice is to buy her a chemistry set if others won't! :)
Laurie - I suspect we will be buying her lots of sciency toys ;)
Ugh, what obnoxious comments! Good luck to you in raising a self-confident girl! As far as advice, I have no experience myself, but I like the way this blogger, a self-defense instructor and feminist, writes about raising her daughter:
http://www.mindbodymama.com/2009/07/mind-body-mama-raising-strong-voiced.html
And there is a book I'm really looking forward to reading called "Pink Brain, Blue Brain," by Lise Eliot, which looks at the scientific research on sex differences. As I understand it, Eliot basically concludes that innate differences are quite small and talks about how to socialize kids in ways that don't overemphasize their differences. You can watch her talk about it here:
http://fora.tv/2009/09/29/Lise_Eliot_Pink_Brain_Blue_Brain
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