The long promised post, Part II

Continuing from yesterday, I will try to summarize what was talked about in a "parenthood and work" session at a conference I attended last month.

The basic subjects included Timing, Planning, Interviewing, Maternity Leave and the mandatory Balance.

The timing portion of advice was easy: the time is never right. There is never enough time, work security, flexibility, and money. We also got ample warnings about waiting till your mid-thirties or later. Some of the mothers had good experience with becoming parents early in their grad school career, others later in their grad school careers, some as postdocs, some as new hires, and some as established employees. But for each story there were the negative impacts as well. However, the message I took away from this discussion was:

Have children when you feel ready, and you will make it work one way or another. Think about what is most important to you and set your priorities accordingly. If you think that later in life you will regret not having children even though you are in a midst of an excellent career, then have children before it is too late and make your career fit your priorities.

This is the advice that came from mothers of all ages - from their mid-twenties to a seventy-something year old(!) who was still fully involved in work. They were also quick to disillusion the rest of us in terms of planning a pregnancy for a particular time; there were stories of taking months and even years to get pregnant, infertility, miscarriages and pregnancies with problems. We were told that it is not something you can pencil into your calendar "between semesters." Besides, the mothers also said that the times that would end up being the most difficult were unpredictable; some had a really hard time in the first half of their pregnancies, others in the second, some at the beginning of their child(ren)'s life, others mentioned first grade as the most difficult time they have gone through yet.

Advice on interviewing boiled down to the following: if you want to know if the place is supportive of parents, ask employees other than your interviewing team. We were recommended to bring up existing or future children only after having an offer in hand, although many people said their potential employers were fishing for kid-related information and it was tough to withhold it.

Length of maternity leaves varied across the board from a couple of weeks to a couple of years; many women said they didn't know ahead of time how much of a maternity leave they would end up taking, and recommended having options (renegotiating with your employer if necessary, etc.). Some said they planned on going back to work soon after birth but for a variety of reasons (health problems, multiples, or change of priorities) did not; difficulty of re-entering work force after an extended leave varied (no academics tried it, people working in the industry reported little trouble, and alternative career people like science writers were somewhere in the middle).

The balance discussion was a bit different than the balance we talk about for non-parent grad students. Unlike rest from work, children are a mandatory time away from work. Some mothers said it helped them be more organized and productive at work while working less hours overall. All agreed that it was difficult to find time for themselves, and that their standards of what is "good enough" have shifted dramatically. No one seemed to think it was ever possible to have enough time for either work or family, but most have found a way to make things work, and were ok with their choices.

And although the session had a "you can do it" undertone, everyone agreed that not having children is a valid choice as well, as long as that is what one really wants. Other than that, parenthood is full of surprises, having an enlightened significant other is a big plus, and people have an amazing ability to adjust to anything.